Words can not even begin to describe what I will refer to as the acid trip of a road trip I have just returned from. I believe I existed in some quasi form of reality in a parallel backward universe. There are just too many stories to tell in this small journal so I have compiled a list of the things that I have learned during the trip. Mind you, this is an abbreviated list and each statement below has an entire story behind it. Just use your imagination. It won’t be that hard.

Things I have learned on my trip to Arkansas and Texas:

1. 68 year old men can not put on their seat belt and drive at the same time.
2. Never expect to get a full nights sleep with a septuagenarian in the house.
3. Never expect a plan when going on multi-state road trips. Forget about a map!
4. Don’t expect to leave from anywhere on time. Always add 1 ½ hours.
5. Bacon cooked in Crisco tastes damn good!
6. If you are 20 years younger than 85 you are considered a child and will be referred to as such over and over again.
7. It is perfectly normal to drive 1200 miles to see your brother and stay for a total of 3 ½ hours then go home.
8. Logic? You must be kidding!?
9. Yes, I am adopted. There is no doubt about it now!
10. Cousins my age have kids getting ready to graduate from high school! Where’s the Botox?
11. People that go to church all the time sure seem to worry a lot.
12. Old people can be funny as hell.
13. Chicago traffic has nothing on Houston.
14. Diet? What diet?
15. There are more trailer home dealers than car dealers in Texas.
16. Even though you have the cruise control set for the speed limit your dad still jumps every time he sees a highway patrol.